There is someone in my life who was driving me crazy. Their every action or word was the antithesis of what I considered the correct way to be. I saw them as a raw, open wound that oozed emotion. No thought or feeling was too private to be held back.

If they felt proud of an achievement, they were positively bursting with pride. If sad, no fear of social stigma held a rush of tears in check, even in the workplace. Appalling, I thought! This person was experiencing a personal life change which truly merited a compassionate response from me. But, with each new outburst, I felt myself unable to have any other reaction than barely controlled anger! Being a Yoga student, I knew that when you react strongly to another person, there is a lesson to be learned and the lesson is much less to do with the 'other' than with yourself. If someone had approached me with the same problem, I am sure that I would have been able to clearly pinpoint the cause. But, with that special form of blindness that enables you to prove yourself 'right' under almost any circumstance, I found plenty of reasons to justify my reaction. This went on to a greater or lesser degree for over a year.

Finally, a crisis was reached and advice sought. I was brought face to face with the concept of 'rejected selves'. As described in The Sevenfold Journey by Anodea Judith and Selene Vega, a rejected self is "...an aspect of personality that we had to overcome in order to survive - something we had to reject....The key to recognizing a rejected self is our tendency to judge others for having this trait." Well, that was me in spades! Somewhere along the line, I made a decision that showing your emotive state was the last thing a person should do. Dramatic expressions of emotion make me feel out of control. I am also extremely hard on myself when I make a mistake and show myself little compassion. I was advised that if I could show compassion to the living representation of my 'rejected self', it would help me to heal. I was moved to tears at my counseling session at the realization of how my inability to express emotions has coloured my life.

There was immediate relief in the situation that brought me to the point of crisis. I had the further experience of having changed relationships with two other people who felt that they could confide in me, where previously there had been some reserve. These were small miracles to me! This would have been a nice place to stop, be grateful, and consider myself 'healed', but as I was to find out, I had only touched the surface.

Since my original breakthrough, I have placed a heightened awareness on my emotive state while doing asanas, while meditating and in public life. This has been a painful as well as a joyful experience as not every emotion is of the type you are proud to own up to. It is much easier to look 'love' in the face than 'anger' or 'shame'. Even more difficult for me was the realization that I often act on feelings I think I should have rather than what I truly feel.

As I peel back the layers, I realize how much time and effort has been spent in subjugating my emotions to fit a 'survival model' that worked as a child with an alcoholic father, but which has served me rather badly as an adult.

I have long owned a book entitled, Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics, by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden. At the time I read it, it did not resonate with me as my experience. During meditation, I was reminded of this book and reread it. I can now admit to myself that I am a 'textbook case'. This is the start of a long, but necessary journey.

I look to my daily Yoga practice to continue to feel my emotions and open my heart. I've found that the Sun Salutation series provides ample opportunity to expand the chest area, if the poses are moved through slowly. But, I've received the most benefit from daily meditation, where, after opening the physical area around the fourth Chakra with asanas, I imagine a healing light entering my heart with each breath in, and the glow of compassion filling the room with each breath out.