Looking back at the shy child I was, I don’t think anyone would have guessed the inner turmoil that was my daily existence. Part of being ‘shy’ entails an overblown sense of the self as being responsible for perceived negative situations, and weighting ‘others’ more responsible for interactions we perceive successfully. Increasing feelings of inadequacy and shame trapped me in a vortex of emotional denial that cemented my negative world view; inner peace was a long way away and I didn’t have a roadmap.

I am happy to say that I have (mostly!) freed myself from these patterns, but now, I watch my daughter as she struggles with some of the same tendencies. To aide her, I’ve been delving into my past in the hopes that my insights can be made available; so that she can see a clear path to expressing her Self.

One thing that is quite clear to me is that the constant internal focus I had from a young age was detrimental to seeing the world beyond my insecurities. Cultivating an external focus was a key to finding a more balanced view of the world and my place in it, but it took years of painful experimentation on my part when all along the Yoga Sutras had the answer to how to ‘be’ in the world of relationship.

In the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali 1:33 we find: “In relationships, the mind becomes purified by cultivating feelings of friendliness towards those who are happy, compassion for those who are suffering, goodwill towards those who are virtuous, and indifference or neutrality towards those we perceive as wicked or evil.”

My maiden name, Dobrowolski, actually translates as ‘good will’ so the part of the sutra inviting ‘goodwill towards those who are virtuous’ has special meaning for me both as a quality to be obtained and because it specifically addresses how to handle feelings of inadequacy.

Most of us really want to be out there participating and helping other people, but when insecurities stand in the way you start to project negatively on yourself and others who are doing what you want to do. In cultivating goodwill or happiness for one who is virtuous, we have to transform feelings of envy or other negativity. Notice any physical manifestations; shallow breathing or a pang of pain in the heart or belly, curving the shoulders protectively are some examples. Then - the negative Self-talk starts in: “I should be doing that. Why aren’t I? I know why – because I suck, that’s why. I hate my Self.” Or it might manifest as unwarranted anger towards the other person:  “He isn’t so great; who does he think he is? He’s probably doing it for the attention.” 

Instead of letting this voice direct things, Stop! Remember Patanjali’s Sutra! This train of thought will never lead to a peaceful mind! Take a deep breath through the nose and release with an ‘ahhh’ sound through the mouth to settle the nervous system. This may take a few tries. Then, instead of nursing the perceived hurt, we can consciously transform the negative emotion by focusing on the concept of ‘goodwill’ in our heart. Remember a situation or person with whom you already feel this emotion. As you are ready, start to associate the new person with the emotion. This is the thing though - to make this work, you must choose happiness for your Self!  Saying it out loud makes it real, “I Choose Happiness!”

After some practice our Self-talk may start to play more like this: “He is doing exactly what I want to do. That’s great!  Now I can talk to someone who’s already done this and figure out how I can do it too! I’m so glad he is in my life so I can learn!”  And really, this is what our Self wants – connection and growth!

For my daughter, I try to be present, listen deeply and share my own stories when it feels appropriate so she knows that I ‘get’ what she is feeling and also understands that these are normal human reactions. I might model behavior for her by going through my internal process out loud without specifically telling her what to do (which as we all know, can create the opposite of the intended result!). After sharing one such ‘ego-struggle’ process we ended up laughing together hysterically at why we would want to feel bad about ourselves when extending Good Will to our collective Self’s is just so much more fun!