The Heart of Forgiveness  

I have a forgiveness “trick.”  When someone has hurt me and I feel anger towards them – I fast-forward to my death-bed and think – ‘do I forgive that person now?’  If so, there is a good chance I can let go of the anger and forgive them in the present.  I thought I had this forgiveness thing down!  Then, I had a baby, and along with her came a fierce sort of protectiveness I have never felt before. The tiger-mother in me would want to demand my Old-Testament "eye for an eye" if someone hurt her. I am no longer sure that, if tested, I would be able to hold the high moral ground that allows forgiveness in such a case.  Some might even wonder at the moral confusion - why forgive when you have through no fault of your own been "trespassed against?"  Are some actions beyond forgiveness?  Does the act of forgiving benefit the forgiver or the forgiven more?

 The effort to maintain forceful anger towards another is exhausting.  Having been through a traumatic experience, the victim of the offense is often hurt once from the act, and then repeatedly from the physical and/or psychological memory of the act.  Daily life is colored and even shaped by the offense, and anger towards the perpetrator can turn inward into depression.  For the victim, it is like living in a cage of anger and hurt.

 Forgiving the perpetrator of an offense first frees the one who forgives and allows them to proceed with their lives. Let me be very clear that forgiving does not necessarily mean reconciling and does not preclude justice under the law.  There is no need to let the offender know that they have been forgiven or to 'get along' with them, although in some cases this may be possible. In the case of spousal or child abuse, forgiveness is not a ticket back into that situation – rather, a "Get Out of Jail Free" card for the victim. 

 According to “forgiveness expert” Robert D. Enright, PhD., the benefits of forgiveness for the forgiver can be lower blood pressure, lower risk of heart disease, easing of family dysfunction and passing on anger and dysfunction to the next generation.  It can also lead to character transformation, engendering a more fulfilled, compassionate life.

 Beyond the physical and psychological benefits, we are certainly provided with enough spiritual texts in favor of forgiveness. In the Rig Veda, Hymn 25:2 we read: "Not for killing or destroying, be moved against one who is ours [Varuna is the Deity in this hymn] and who commits sins out of ignorance of Divine Laws, nor be moved for being angry against one belonging to us when such a one is ashamed of his lapses, (Trikha, p. 162)."  In the Lord's Prayer, we urge God to "Forgive us, as we forgive those who trespass against us;" essentially invoking and subscribing to the Law of Karma as we ask our deeds to be judged at our capacity for forgiveness.  

Aldous Huxley, in his analysis of the Lord's Prayer, says that "Forgiving is merely a special case of giving, (Huxley, p.144.)," where in place of anger and hatred, we are able to give love regardless of what has been given to us. Robert Enright uses this definition from philosopher Joanna North:  "When unjustly hurt by another, we forgive when we overcome the resentment toward the offender, not by denying our right to the resentment, but instead by trying to offer the wrongdoer compassion, benevolence, and love; as we give these, we as forgivers realize that the offender does not necessarily have a right to such gifts, (Enright, p. 25)."  Although by his own definition the offender does not necessarily have a right to be forgiven – Enright frequently proposes the cosmic view that all of humanity deserves to be loved because God loves us.   

According to Enright, the first step towards forgiveness, no matter how little or great the offense is consciously choosing to forgive, regardless of less than warm feelings towards the offender; or our being “in the right.”  In his comprehensive book Forgiveness is a Choice Enright gives what he calls “guideposts” to follow that are flexible enough to be used from minor offenses to those that are truly egregious and recognizes that in some circumstances it may only be possible to reach a certain stage of forgiveness. He advises against using forgiveness as a moral weapon with which to belittle a person who has offended you.  Forgiveness requires humility. 

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Enright, Robert D.  PhD.  (2001):  Forgiveness is a Choice:  A Step-by-Step Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope.  Washington , D.C. :  American Psychological Association.

Huxley, Aldous, (1992):  Huxley and God:  Essays.  San Francisco :  Harper Press.

Trikha, DR. J.K., (1981):  Rig Veda:  A scientific and intellectual analysis of the hymns.  Bombay :  Somaiya Publications PVT. Ltd.