Oh Guru, My Love

 I have a confession to make - I am in love with my guru. How could I not be? My guru has a smile that is gloriously sunny, eyes that are clear and wise, yet innocently childlike, and a laugh that is a delight to hear. My guru lives and acts in the present moment and is enchanted by all she sees. She closely examines the most mundane of objects with wonder. I don't know quite how it happened that I surrendered my life to her or why she has shown me the way to love as no one else has been able, but I am hers - body, mind and soul. My guru is 23 lbs. of giggling bliss - she is my daughter, Audrey.

 My devotion to her helps me to overcome obstructions in my path. I once was lazy and self-indulgent. Now, I have little time for ego-based activities. I once was blind to the pure joy inherent in the sudden appearance of the cat, or my husband in a room. Now, I see how each of us is a miracle and should never be taken for granted. Not long ago, I only took care of my own needs, rarely thinking of others. Now, I see what a pleasure it is to attend to the every need of my little guru. The appearance of my guru hasn't squelched the activities of my ego entirely - I still imagine sometimes, that my life is my own, and I am beholden to no one. The calls of my little guru soon remind me that we are all one, and each must play our role to help each other in our most helpless times. 

 Some may say that I am supposed to be her parent and guide her, not the other way around, right? Well - yes and no. In guiding her, everything I am is called into question. I may have thought I did some digging into my psyche in the 40 odd years that preceded her arrival, but I can already see that I am in for the journey of my life! Of course, my little guru's teachings might be lost on me had I not had some darned good teachers that preceded her. We find teachers in every step of our lives - those which we seek and those we encounter at unexpected, but perfect times. 

I used to read stories about those who have found their guru with envy. I wanted to find that guide who recognized and called to me in some mystical way - taking me to their ashram, and ultimately helping me get past my karma and lead me to enlightenment. After awhile, I realized that this was a similar feeling to wanting to be picked first for a soft-ball team in sixth-grade gym class - it wasn't going to happen until I put effort into training my mind and body. You have to be ready to take on the physical responsibility that comes with a higher level of energy and the moral responsibility that comes with knowledge, or you are lost. Even after making the necessary preparations, this type of life may not be my path. Not everyone can or should live an ascetic life; often this life is only possible through the labor of others which is sort of like pyramid marketing schemes - they only work for so long before there is no one to buy the product to support those at the top of the pyramid. 

 Gurdjieff mentions somewhere that we are so egoistic that when we turn our attention to finding a spiritual guide, we immediately want someone on a par with Jesus or Baba-ji, when really, what is needed is someone who has figured their way past our current perceptions and misconceptions.  Ideally, this person has also reached a point in their lives where they are able to share their knowledge in a kind, compassionate way. Admittedly, some of my best teachers have been people who pushed all my buttons, forcing me to examine myself and ultimately seek guidance out of sheer desperation.

 I know that my little guru will lead the way to endless refinements and quite a few "gee-I-really-thought-I'd-taken-care-of-that" moments before it is all over! As I try to walk that fine line between teacher and student and reflect on teachers present and past, I realize how important it is to teach by example, and not only with words - just like my little guru.